Hi and welcome, I am so glad you found me. I hope you continue to read on and stick around with me for a while. I want this initial blog to allow you to get to know me a bit and let you know you are in good hands. I am a hospital chaplain. Not many people know what we do. In fact, I know a fellow chaplain whose own mother thought his job was merely praying for people and virtually do nothing more. I would guess you might think the same thing. But I bet it’s your curiosity or a hospitalization of you or of someone you love that lead you to me today.

     The role of the chaplain can feel mysterious, foreign, and even uncomfortable to many. Afterall, who are they? Where did they merge from? Why are they strolling around the hospital corridors? What is their mission? Those are really good questions that I will touch on later, but for now, I want to tell you a little about me. How I got here and why I am a chaplain at a hospital.

     Like myself, most staff chaplains have a lot of passion for helping others, extensive education, and a true love for their fellow man. We want to see people thrive, reconcile, accept, and discover a life of hope. I personally have been on an endless journey, a road of perpetual learning. I’d like to say my chaplain journey started in college, but I can’t. In retrospect, the road may have but it was certainly not straight. I found my love for life and God years before that. I however was not actively serving God or attending church in any consistent or formal way. Nope, that was not my story.

     I was a beach kid from a broken home. A welfare kid. My mom made our clothes, shopped with food stamps, and rummaged thrift stores. My dad left 5 kids for his gambling addiction. He was raised Roman Catholic but never went to church. My mom was raised Southern Baptist and was professed atheist for most of my life. We never step foot in a church with mom. In fact, she was intentional to let all five of us to find our own way. She supported and encouraged us to ask questions and to befriend all kinds of people. She never hindered our friendships with anyone. We had friends from all backgrounds and religions. She entertained Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Hari Krishnas, and anyone else that came to the door. She planted many seeds of her Christian upbringing in us. (Matthew7:7).  

   I remember I always loved people from the time I was very little. All people. I had a keen understanding, but not awareness, of grace, acceptance, and kindness. I was popular and liked by my peers. I fought for the underdog and reach out naturally to the weak and vulnerable. I was outgoing and friendly. School was easy for me, and I enjoyed studying. I professed Jesus at 14 but I didn’t get to really know Jesus until much later. I was a star athlete. I played varsity sports my freshman year and was the MVP athlete of the year at my school. I suffered great disappointment at 16 through a sports injury that led to 3 knee surgeries. I battled depression in secret. I hid my drug and alcohol use as a young adult. (Proverbs 10:9).

     I had a serious boyfriend for 15 years who left for college and cheated on me. We fought passionately and hard for years. I felt unworthy, unloved, lonely, and desperate for years. I was a people pleaser. I hungered for acceptance. Although outwardly I was beautiful and had an amazing figure, I was a relentless overachiever hoping to gain “self-love” (which did not work). Proudly, I was the first one to go to college in my family. Only to have a “career counselor” wound me for years with her hateful words about me and my family (Psalm 147:3).

     We were poor, so went to college on grants and earned a partial journalism scholarship. I was a national journalism scholar. I entered college as a journalism major, but during my time in school I discovered there were so many things I enjoyed learning about. I changed my major from journalism to business then to psychology then to nutrition then to biology only to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in health science, a minor in psychology and nutrition, and a teaching credential. I studied Sociology as a master’s student and earned a master’s in theology (MTS).

     My twenties were rough to say the least. But I recommitted my life to Christ in my late twenties. I married at 36. It was only 2 years into my marriage when I woke one night with pain in my ears that would set off a chain reaction of relentless vertigo, ringing in my ears, the sound of waves crashing in my head, and a complete but temporary deafness. I began to studder, unable to think. My life was a battle for daily survival. I was a fifth-grade schoolteacher at the time, had a tutoring business, and was deep in ministry serving the women and singles at my church when this illness brought my life to a halt. Everything was stripped from me. This happened 2 months before I was to graduate with my MTS. I suffered for 7 years in near isolation. It was a “Dark Night of the Soul” experience.

     I talked to God every day and let him know that I was okay with dying. I would often tell him, “It was a good day to die” before the Lord healed me. My heartbreak continued however as we discovered we were unable to have children. This brought more pain and suffering and an agony that cannot be put into words. I was crushed, pressed, and felt squeezed. I held on by tight to the hem of my Master’s garment (Mark 5:25-34). I felt dead inside, but I was alive in Christ! He was all I had. He became my all and all.  

     During this time, I had a neck injury and neck surgery. Sadly, I also had a hysterectomy. I was depressed. When I was finally healed, I was eager to go back to work. I never went back to teaching, the career I loved so much. It was no longer an option. I was still overly sensitive to various sounds, pitches, and the tone of children’s voices. These things were debilitating for me. I did not know where God was leading me. I did not know where I’d land but I knew I could trust God (Proverbs 3:5-6). I knew had a plan for me. He always did.

    I went back into ministry and was able to tutor kids again. I search for work daily and applied for every job that my degrees and education would allow me to. The goal was to apply for two jobs every day until I found one. I did not discriminate as to what and where I’d apply. I finally landed a job! God place me in a career I could never have imaged. I was hired on the spot as a hospice chaplain. This was a trajectory of my life changed (Jer. 10:23).

     I had a lot to learn in my new career. The learning curve was massive, but I had a powerful foundation seasoned with love, compassion, empathy, understanding, and hope. I learned a lot through my illness, my ministry with women, children, singles, families, and teaching. I also had hands on experience. I was a caregiver for my mother-in-law who suffered and died from Alzheimer’s and my father-in-law who died at home on hospice from lung cancer. My mom was ill too when I started working hospice. Sadly, she and my dad died 2 months apart shortly after my career change.

    Weeks before my mom died my stepdad was diagnosed with stage four melanoma that spread to his lungs and brain. Three months later my husband experienced a collapsed lung which nearly broke me. I help bury one friend, two of my friend’s children, two of my friend’s husbands, and my best friend’s dad while working hospice. Life was full of loses and sorrow not only in my personal life but in my professional life as well. However, God remained faithful and carried me through (Psalm 36:7). My faith was strong, but I was weak. Very weak.

     I watched people make plans and learned about loss, suffering, and disappointment while working hospice. I suffered a work injury and needed surgery. Meanwhile, the Covid-19 pandemic hit, and I was determined to make changes. Big changes. We left California, our church, our careers, all our family, and friends. We had no jobs and no real plans, but we had each other and we had God. The move was tough, but we had peace. Four months later I knew I had to find a job. There was a job opening for a hospital chaplain. I applied, got called, had an interview, and got the job.

     I have been a chaplain for 11 years now, four of those as a hospital chaplain. I am in a ministry I truly love. God is awesome. I have the privilege of serving so many lives in ways I never thought possible. I witness the best and the worst that this life has to offer. I listen, sit with, cry with, hug, hold, encourage, lift-up, pray, and suffer with those God leads me too daily. There is a balance in this work because I choose to be used by the God of mercy and compassion. The One who has equipped me beyond my own skills, my own loses, and my own understanding.

     Thank you for reading my story. And whatever led you to me today, I want you to know I am here for you. If you have any questions, please ask. I want to help you find answers and discover hope. I encourage you to connect with me, and if not, then I pray you reach out to someone who you know will support you. Remember God is only a prayer away. Until you seek me again, may you walk in love, joy, and peace and lean not on your own understanding.